I Dated a Mother
by Carbuncle
Summary: Sephiroth's mother, Jenova, develops a crush on Cloud. Not wanting to anger Sephiroth by hurting Jenova's feelings, Barrett and Tifa suggest that Cloud accepts her request for a date. Expecting the date to be a disaster, Cloud is bewildered when it turns


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
I Dated a Mother  
  
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch, bored. Tifa walks in.)  
Tifa: Whoa. What happened to all the endless senseless trash? Is the TV broke or something?  
Cloud: Yes.  
Tifa: Then how's about getting off of that spikey haired butt of yours and helping out upstairs?  
Cloud: Nah...  
Tifa: Come on, Cloud. You know that ever since Aeris went off on her (quotes with her fingers) "spiritual journey" to pray for all our souls, I've had to cope with all the bar work by myself. Everyone's got to chip in once in a while.  
Cloud: Can't Barrett do it?  
Tifa: Barrett did his shift last night. Tonight it's your turn. Now come on, get up.  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud is standing behind the bar with Tifa. Tifa is serving Barrett and Cid. Cloud is resting his head on the bar.)  
Tifa: (pulling a pump) Cloud!  
Cloud: (gets up) Yes'm?  
Tifa: The barrel's empty. Go down into the cellar and change it.  
Cloud: We have a cellar?  
Tifa: Don't play dumb, Cloud. It's right opposite the basement. And hurry up, I've got two thirsty customers here. If they don't get some liquor in 'em soon, I'm worried they might start rioting or something.  
Cid: Oh! You wanna be worried, Tifa! A sober me is a dangerous me!  
Barrett: He ain't kiddin', Tifa. Cid's been known to do some pretty stupid things whilst sober. Like the time he agreed to fill in for a sick George Stobbart during the filming of "Broken Sword: The Shadow of the Templars".  
  
(Cut to Paris, a cafe. Cid is standing on the sidewalk. An arrow is moving around him. It goes over to his butt.)  
Cid: Hey! Hey!! Watch where you're puttin' that arrow, buddy!  
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the cellar. Cloud walks in and begins to change the barrel. Vincent crawls out from behind some crates of beer.)  
Vincent: Ugh...  
Cloud: Vincent?!  
Vincent: Oh, hello, Cloud.  
Cloud: What are you doing down here?!  
Vincent: I have been crashing here for a couple of days. Tifa said it would be okay.  
Cloud: Have you been drinking?  
Vincent: Not by choice...  
  
(Cut to the bar. Barrett is drinking a beer. Tifa hands Cid a beer. Cloud walks in.)  
Cloud: Are you aware that Vincent Valentine is camping out in the cellar?  
Tifa: Of course I am. He cleared it with me yesterday.  
Cloud: Oh...  
Reno: (standing at the bar, with Rude and Elena) Yo! Little service over here!  
Cloud: What'll it be?  
Reno: A beer for Rude and me, and, ah, a lemonade for Elena. She's driving.  
Cloud: Coming right up. (serves the Turks their drinks) That'll be-  
Reno: Zero gil, I know. (walks off)  
Cloud: (to Reno) Hey! (turns to Tifa) Hey, Tifa! Those bozos left without paying! Can they do that??  
Tifa: They're the Turks. They can do anything. Besides, we could do without them causing a scene tonight. It's best to just let 'em go.  
Cloud: Riiight.  
????: Excuse me...  
Cloud: (turns to ????) What is it, sir? I--aaagh! Sephiroth?!  
Sephiroth: Oh, damn. It's you. What the devil are you doing here?  
Cloud: I live here.  
Sephiroth: Oh, yes, that's right. How stupid of me to forget. Anyway, I'll not beat around the bush here. I'd like to order some food.  
Cloud: ...food? Right, um, well, Tifa takes care of all the catering work. I'll just, uh, get her for you. (walks over to Tifa) Tifa! Sephiroth's here!  
Tifa: What?! (looks toward Sephiroth) So he is. What does he want?  
Cloud: Something from the menu, I think. I told him to talk to you about it.  
Tifa: Oh, geez, I, uh... (walks over to Sephiroth) Sephiroth. What a pleasant surprise.  
Sephiroth: Tifa, I presume...  
Tifa: You presume correctly. How can I, uh, help? Boy, did that sound weird. Me asking Sephiroth if he needed any help. I mean, whoa.  
Sephiroth: I'd like to order a little something to eat. You see, Mother's tricked me into buying her dinner, and this was the cheapest place I could find.  
Tifa: Okay, um, well here's our menu. (gives Sephiroth the menu) I'd recommend the chocobo eggs, they're extremely tasty and rarely served broken.  
Sephiroth: Chocobo eggs?! Most certainly not! Mother and I are both strict vegetarians!  
Tifa: Then I'd recommend the spaz salad. It's not that horrible.  
Sephiroth: Spaz salad... fine. (gives Tifa the menu back)  
Tifa: Would you like something to drink with your meal?  
Sephiroth: Yes. How about a bottle of your least expensive champagne.  
Tifa: Red's Pee it is then. (walks off)  
Sephiroth: ...Red's Pee?  
  
(Cut to the kitchen. Tifa is preparing Sephiroth's meal. Cloud pokes his head around the door.)  
Cloud: Tifa? Could I get some help out here?  
Tifa: You'll have to handle things yourself, Cloud. I'm busy.  
Cloud: But it's an emergency!  
Tifa: No, Cloud! I'm busy! (Cloud leaves)  
  
(Cut to the bar. Two Dragons are fighting. One of them punches the other in the face, causing him to fall backwards and smash Sephiroth and Jenova's table. Sephiroth and Jenova both stand back.)  
Sephiroth: Good lord!  
Dragon #1: (on the floor) Grrr! (gets up and starts fighting with the other Dragon again)  
Cloud: (steps in between the Dragons) Okay, guys, break it up, break it up. I don't want to have to call the cops.  
Dragon #2: (to Dragon #1) Grrr!  
Cloud: I said, break it up! (Dragon #2 growls something at him) No profanity, either! (the two Dragons leave the bar)  
Sephiroth: What the hell kind of establishment are you running here?! Those brutes almost crushed Mother!  
Cloud: Sorry, Ms. Jenova. (hearts begin to float above Jenova's head) We don't usually see many of their type around here. (Jenova is smiling, lovingly) It won't happen again. Here, let me show you to another table. (leads Sephiroth and Jenova to an empty table) Here we go. (walks off)  
Sephiroth: (sits down) Ugh! Can you believe that?!  
Jenova: Who was that man?  
Sephiroth: That was Cloud Strife, Mother. I'm surprised you don't remember him. You did fight him to the death on several occasions, after all.  
Jenova: Oh, yes. Though I can't say I remember him being so hot.  
Sephiroth: Mother!  
Jenova: What?  
Sephiroth: Please!  
Jenova: What?  
Sephiroth: Nothing, nothing. Just... It doesn't matter. Where on earth is that food of ours?  
Tifa: (walks out with Sephiroth and Jenova's food) Dinner is served! (serves them their dinner)  
Sephiroth: Well it's about bloody time, that's all I can say. (Tifa pours them a glass of wine each)  
Jenova: Not too much for me, please. I'm driving.  
Sephiroth: Driving?  
Jenova: Well, if I'm lucky...  
Sephiroth: Mother, I... (realises something) ...oh, Mother, no! That is so crude!  
Tifa: Am I missing something here?  
Sephiroth: This doesn't concern you, young lady.  
Jenova: That bartender of yours. Is he... seeing anyone at the moment?  
Tifa: Who? Cloud? He isn't a bartender. He's a layabout.  
Jenova: Just answer the question, bimbo!  
Tifa: Uh, no. Not that I'm aware of.  
Jenova: Excellent...  
  
(Cut to the bar, later that night. Jenova is sitting at the table with Sephiroth, drinking wine. She is staring at Cloud, lovingly. Barrett is sitting at the bar. Cloud is cleaning a glass behind the bar.)  
Barrett: Psst! Yo, Cloud!  
Cloud: What?  
Barrett: I thinks ya got yo'self an admirer, man.  
Cloud: An admirer? What the hell are you talking about?  
Barrett: That Sephiroth's Momma over there. She's been lookin' at you with those loved-up eyes all night. I think she fancies her chances, man.  
Cloud: What? No! You must be mistaken!  
Barrett: Either that, or she got some kinda lazy eye and she been lookin' at me. (gasps) Oh my God! That's disturbin'!  
Tifa: (walks behind the bar) I don't think we'll be any busier tonight, Cloud. You might as well call it a night.  
Barrett: Don't think Jenova'll be too pleased about that.  
Tifa: What?  
Cloud: Barrett thinks Jenova has some kind of crush on me or something. He says she's been watching me all night.  
Barrett: She has!  
Cloud: Nuh uh!  
Tifa: Ooh... Now, come to think of it, she was asking about you earlier.  
Barrett: Woo hoo!  
Cloud: What about me?!  
Tifa: She just wanted to know if you were seeing anyone, is all.  
Cloud: And what did you say?!  
Tifa: I said that you weren't.  
Cloud: Oh, no! Tifa! Do you realise what you've done?!  
Tifa: No. What?  
Cloud: Made big trouble for me! Why couldn't you have lied to her?!  
Tifa: Because.  
Cloud: You should've told her that you and me were going out!  
Tifa: I don't think that would've been a smart move, what with that kiss we shared a few weeks ago.  
Cloud: Oh my God! Here she comes! I'm out of here! (leaves)  
Tifa: Cloud!  
Sephiroth: (with Jenova) That was... adequate. How much do I owe thee?  
Tifa: Uh, let's call it thirty gil.  
Sephiroth: Fine. (pays Tifa) Come, Mother. Let's go.  
Jenova: Um...  
Sephiroth: Is something wrong?  
Jenova: Cloud, he...  
Sephiroth: (rolls his eyes) Oh, please! Let's go, Mother!  
Jenova: No! I have to have a quiet word with Cloud! Where is he?  
Sephiroth: Ugh...  
Tifa: I'm afraid Cloud's... uh, gone to bed.  
Jenova: No he hasn't. He's hiding behind that pinball machine over there.  
Cloud: (steps out) ...hello.  
Jenova: Cloud, I... (Barrett, Tifa and Sephiroth are standing around, listening) Could we get some privacy here?!  
Barrett: Oh, sure. (he and Tifa leave)  
Sephiroth: Mother, please, it's time we were leaving.  
Jenova: Not until I've had a chance to speak to Cloud! Now don't make me spank you in public, Sephiroth!  
Sephiroth: Yes, Mother! (leaves)  
Jenova: Cloud, I was wondering if... if maybe tomorrow night or something, we could, oh, I don't know, go out for a romantic meal together. I know this fantastic sushi restaurant in Wall Market. You can have all you can eat for five gil.  
Cloud: Oh, gee, that sounds... tempting, Ms. Jenova, but, ah, I'm otherwise engaged tomorrow.  
Jenova: It doesn't have to be tomorrow. It could be later in the week, or the week after...  
Cloud: I'm actually kinda busy all month. This place takes up a lot of my time.  
Jenova: No it doesn't. You don't even work here. You're just helping out for tonight.  
Cloud: True, true, but, ah... well, okay, I tried to let you down gently, but I guess I'm just going to have to come and tell you the real reason I can't go out with you. It's 'cause you're an ugly woman, Ms. Jenova. And "ugly" is me being polite.  
Jenova: Ugly...?  
Cloud: Yep. Uglier than a chocobo's butt. You're so ugly, I think I'd rather have sex with Freya Crescent than do it with you.  
Jenova: Who's Freya Crescent?  
Cloud: You know, that hideous rat chick from Final Fantasy IX.  
Jenova: I... I... (bursts into tears and runs off, crying)  
Sephiroth: Mother? (runs after her)  
Tifa: (she and Barrett walk up to Cloud) Cloud? What on earth did you say to her?  
Cloud: Nothing too harsh. Anyways, I'm off to bed. G'night. (walks off)  
  
(Cut to the Great Glacier, Sephiroth's cabin, the hall. Sephiroth is standing by the door to Jenova's room. Jenova can be heard crying behind the door.)  
Sephiroth: Mother? You've been crying non-stop for the last three days, Mother. Please, I'm worried about you.  
Jenova: Leave me alone, Sephiroth! Waaa!  
Sephiroth: Mother? You have to come out of there and talk to me. I need to see that you are all right.  
Jenova: All right? All right?! Do I sound like I'm all right?! I'm heartbroken! Waaa!  
Sephiroth: Mother...  
Jenova: Go away, Sephiroth! Just leave me alone! Waaa!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Sephiroth is talking to Barrett and Tifa.)  
Sephiroth: ...and so she's locked herself in her room and won't come out. That spikey haired goon has destroyed a big part of her - her heart.  
Tifa: I don't see what this has to do with Barrett and me.  
Sephiroth: You don't, eh? You don't? Then let me put it in a language that even you can understand - English! Either you two get that idiot Cloud to go on a date with my mother, or I'll make it my mission to boycott 7th Heaven!  
Tifa: You couldn't boycott 7th Heaven.  
Sephiroth: Couldn't I?  
Tifa: ...  
Sephiroth: All right, I couldn't. But I could burn this whole sorry place down whilst you're all sleeping in your cosy little beds. (pause) I expect a result by the end of the day, if not... (leaves)  
Barrett: Yikes...  
  
(Cut to the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch. Barrett and Tifa are standing in front of him.)  
Cloud: He's lying. He wouldn't dare kill us.  
Tifa: You didn't hear the seriousness in his voice though. He didn't sound like he was lying to me.  
Barrett: Or me.  
Cloud: But I don't wanna go on a date with that horrible fiend! She's a monster!  
Tifa: You're going.  
Cloud: Or what?  
Tifa: Or... Or I'll have no choice but to threaten you with eviction.  
Cloud: Eviction?! You mean kick me out of the house?!  
Tifa: Yes.  
Cloud: Tifa, please, that's awful. I can't believe you'd even consider doing that to me.  
Tifa: I'm sorry, Cloud, but it's one of those cases. It's either you or me-  
Barrett: Or me.  
Tifa: -and I can't take the risk.  
Cloud: I wish I could say I understand.  
Tifa: Sephiroth's expecting a result by the end of the day, as am I. I hope you'll make the right decision, I really do. (she and Barrett leave)  
Cloud: ...  
  
(Cut to the Great Glacier, Sephiroth's cabin, the living room. Sephiroth is talking on the phone. Jenova walks in.)  
Sephiroth: Really? Well, thank the lord! (puts the phone down and turns to Jenova) Guess who's got a date tonight?  
Jenova: There's no need to rub it in! (runs off, sobbing)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud is wearing a tuxedo. Tifa is helping him with his bow tie.)  
Cloud: I can't believe I'm doing this. I must need my head examined.  
Tifa: You've made the right decision, Cloud. And, hey, so the night'll probably be the worst night ever, at least we won't all be burnt to death in our sleep.  
Cloud: Some might say that being burnt alive would be better than going on a date with the woman from hell. I know which I'd prefer.  
Barrett: (walks in) She's here. (Cloud swallows hard)  
  
(Cut to the bar. Sephiroth is standing there with Jenova.)  
Sephiroth: Are you sure you still want to go through with this, Mother? It's not too late to change your mind, you know.  
Jenova: I'm not going to change my mind, Sephiroth. I'm looking forward to this.  
Sephiroth: Oh, Mother. You know, in a way, you and I are very different people.  
Cloud: (walks in with Barrett and Tifa) H...Hello, Ms. Jenova. My, how... ravishing you look this evening.  
Jenova: Cloud, please, there's no need for all this formality. Call me "Jenova".  
Cloud: Okay,... Jenova. Sha...Shall we go?  
Jenova: Let's. (takes Cloud's arm as he leads her out the front door)  
Barrett: Aw! Don't they look a lovely couple? (Tifa and Sephiroth frown)  
  
(Cut to the bar, later that night. Tifa, Barrett and Sephiroth are sitting at the table, quietly. Cloud and Jenova walk in, laughing.)  
Jenova: (to Cloud) And the look on his face when he thought we were going to leave without paying, that was priceless!  
Cloud: (laughs) Yeah! It was like, swing, take that!  
Jenova: Oh, Cloud. I had such a wonderful evening.  
Cloud: Me too, Jenova. (notices his friends) Oh, hey, guys.  
Barrett: Yo, man! Good night?  
Cloud: It was amazing, huh, Jenova?  
Jenova: It was definitely one for the books!  
Cloud: What are you guys still doing up, anyway? You weren't waiting up for me, were you?  
Tifa: Oh, no, no. Of course not.  
Jenova: I'm surprised you're still here too, Sephiroth.  
Sephiroth: Yes, well, I thought there would be no harm in staying for a few beers.  
Jenova: That's strange considering you don't drink hard alcohol...  
Sephiroth: Anyway, seeing as how I'm here, I'll walk you home. I'm sure you've had a very eventful evening.  
Jenova: It certainly has been that.  
Cloud: Aw, that's a shame. I was hoping you could stay for a quick drink.  
Jenova: I'd love to, Cloud, but Sephiroth's right. I should probably turn in for the night. I'll see you again sometime.  
Cloud: I'd like that. (he and Jenova kiss)  
Tifa & Sephiroth: Eugh!  
Cloud: Good night, sweet Jenova...  
Jenova: Good night, sweet Cloud...  
Sephiroth: Ugh! Well, come along, Mother. (takes Jenova by the hand and leads her out the front door)  
Cloud: (sits down) Ah...  
Tifa: Good show, Cloud. Heck, I almost believed you myself.  
Cloud: Excuse me?  
Tifa: Oh, come on! (impersonating Cloud) "Aw, that's a shame. I was hoping you could stay for a quick drink." (makes kissing noises) "I love you, Jenova!" (laughs)  
Cloud: I'm afraid I don't follow, Tifa.  
Tifa: That whole act stunk of cheese, Cloud. I'm surprised Jenova was dumb enough to fall for it.  
Cloud: (gets up, frowning) Hey! Don't you talk that way about Jenova!  
Tifa: ...what??  
Cloud: She's a wonderful, wonderful person. And I'd thank you not to belittle her.  
Tifa: ...what??  
Cloud: You see, Tifa, I realised something tonight. You know, Jenova might not win any beauty pageants or be offered a starring role in a sexy porno movie, but she does have some strong qualities of her own. She's charming, and interesting, and fun to be with. No, scratch that. Great fun to be with. And I've learned that you can't judge a person on their looks, because if you do that, then you're only seeing half of that person, because a person's real strengths aren't on the outside, they're on the inside.  
Tifa: ...what??  
Cloud: Spending time with Jenova taught me that a person doesn't have to have looks to die for in order to be a good person. It's their personality that counts. And Jenova's got one hell of a personality. I mean, man alive. I think this could've been the best night of my life.  
Tifa: (gasps) Even better than... THAT NIGHT??  
Cloud: You mean the night we knocked boots?  
Tifa: Uh huh...  
Cloud: Geez, uh, I dunno. For the purpose of the point I'm trying to make here tonight, yes. But on an emotional level, no freakin' way. (Tifa runs off, crying)  
Barrett: Aw, dude!  
Cloud: I'm sorry, Barrett, but it's the truth. Tifa may be a hot goddess of love, but Jenova knows how to have a good time.  
Barrett: You seein' her again?  
Cloud: Certainly. In fact, I think I'll give her a call first thing tomorrow morning. (pause) Lord, to think I wouldn't have given a woman like Jenova a second thought three hours ago. Now look at me. (leaves)  
  
(Cut to the Great Glacier, Sephiroth's cabin, the living room.)  
Sephiroth: You what?!  
Jenova: You heard me. I had a terrible night. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say it was the worst night of my life.  
Sephiroth: But what about that whole "I had such a wonderful evening" thing?  
Jenova: Acting has always been one of my many talents, Sephiroth. No, I won't be seeing that oaf ever again.  
Sephiroth: Thank God!  
Jenova: Yes. I learned an important lesson tonight, Sephiroth. Never judge a person on looks alone, it's that old personality thing that counts.  
Sephiroth: Explain.  
Jenova: When I first laid eyes on that... gorgeous hunk of muscle of a man, I... I wanted him so bad.  
Sephiroth: Eugh...  
Jenova: You know, I just wanted to take him to bed, rip off his clothes and make long passionate love to him all night long.  
Sephiroth: Too graphic, Mother! Too graphic!  
Jenova: But after I'd spent three hours with him, I'd seen the real Cloud Strife. And I didn't like it. He's a complete bonehead. His personality is as paper thin as a very thin piece of paper.  
Sephiroth: So am I to take it that you won't be seeing young Cloud again?  
Jenova: Heaven forbid, the thought of spending another evening with that humaniod again turns my skin. I even regret having sex with him.  
Sephiroth: You and he had sex?!  
Jenova: Well of course I had to see what he was like in bed before I made my final decision about him!  
Sephiroth: (buries his head in his hands) Oh, Mother!  
  
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to be continued... (sort of)  
  
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End file.
